Fantastic work Steve - the sound effects really help to add a layer of clarity to what is happening within the narrative of your film.
What it also helps to highlight is where there is a need for some additional shots. Such as at: 2:41 - 2 additional shots are needed to show the journey home; these could be "driving away" and "arriving at the house".
Also, in the sequence (3:47) you could include some dialogue between the male and female characters to reinforce the meaning of this scene.
There is an opportunity to make some links across the two parallel scenes by linking visuals and sounds. Such as at 4:05 - you could tie the sound of the traffic in with video of a car being driven on the TV screen.
At 4:27 you need to do more with the scene on the right - this has been very samey for a long time. This will not look good in actuality, he needs to move around - the room needs to get less clean. e.g.: plate on floor, coffee mug, magazines strewn, TV is blaring out, he is sleeping.
Redo ending: change to bring characters into single space - series of shots in room/kitchen making a cup of tea. Turns TV off/cleans up after other character and then heads to bed with body double in background asleep on couch.
This will allow you to tie the two separate narratives together. The robbery idea is almost too much. Don't introduce a new character so late into the film.
Fantastic work Steve - the sound effects really help to add a layer of clarity to what is happening within the narrative of your film.
ReplyDeleteWhat it also helps to highlight is where there is a need for some additional shots. Such as at: 2:41 - 2 additional shots are needed to show the journey home; these could be "driving away" and "arriving at the house".
Also, in the sequence (3:47) you could include some dialogue between the male and female characters to reinforce the meaning of this scene.
There is an opportunity to make some links across the two parallel scenes by linking visuals and sounds. Such as at 4:05 - you could tie the sound of the traffic in with video of a car being driven on the TV screen.
At 4:27 you need to do more with the scene on the right - this has been very samey for a long time. This will not look good in actuality, he needs to move around - the room needs to get less clean. e.g.: plate on floor, coffee mug, magazines strewn, TV is blaring out, he is sleeping.
Redo ending: change to bring characters into single space - series of shots in room/kitchen making a cup of tea. Turns TV off/cleans up after other character and then heads to bed with body double in background asleep on couch.
This will allow you to tie the two separate narratives together. The robbery idea is almost too much. Don't introduce a new character so late into the film.
Well done!
Mr. M.